Have you ever been accused of holding your life standards or your relationship standards too high? And if you have, is it beneficial to lower your standards so that you won’t be disappointed? In other words, are you hurting yourself when you set certain expectations about a partner or a job, and do not compromise on those expectations?
When the world tells us to “settle,” having high standards can feel like both a blessing and a curse. People might label you as “too picky” or “unrealistic,” but that may be entirely untrue. In the words of Vincent Tinto, one of my favorite educators, “people can’t rise to low expectations.” So instead of lowering your standards, you should reflect on how those standards are shaped, and whether they come from a place of self-worth or fear.
Our standards often reflect our inner dialogue. If you hold yourself to impossible expectations, you may project the same onto others. On the other hand, if you have compassion and respect for yourself, you’ll likely extend the same in your relationships with others. When reflecting on your standards, check if they help you preserve your peace and honor your values, or if they are based on fear of getting hurt and a wish to prevent closeness.
The Benefits of High Standards
Having high standards can be deeply empowering. It can reaffirm your value and ensure that when you encounter the right person or situation, you are likely to be satisfied with the outcome. High standards keep you from settling for less than you deserve. They attract people and opportunities that match your level of self-awareness. And they encourage personal growth because they encourage you to strive for quality, not quantity. When your standards stem from self-love rather than control, they create a strong foundation for fulfillment in both life and relationships.
However, high standards remain beneficial only while they protect and honor your values, needs, and desires. When those boundaries turn into walls aimed to keep things out or hide you away, they become harmful. If you find yourself rejecting people or opportunities because they don’t meet an idealized image, you might be avoiding vulnerability or change. Sometimes, high standards turn into unrealistic standards when fear of rejection, imperfection, or of losing control begins to take center stage.
High Standards vs. Unrealistic Expectations
There’s a difference between knowing your value and expecting perfection. High standards are about self-awareness and self-respect—they reflect your understanding of what you deserve and what aligns with your values. Unrealistic expectations, on the other hand, are often driven by fear of vulnerability or by fantasy. For example, a healthy standard might be to want a partner (or work colleague) who communicates openly. An unrealistic expectation might be to want someone who never disagrees or makes mistakes. The first invites growth and honesty; the second blocks intimacy and connection.
High standards are also open and character-based, while unrealistic expectations are narrow and outcome-based. For example, a healthy standard might be to want a partner who is financially-stable and self-sufficient. An unrealistic expectation might be to want someone who earns a specific amount of money, drives a specific car, or owns a specific property. The first seeks maturity and responsibility; the second pursues enrichment and status elevation.
In the end, balance is always healthy. In life, having standards while remaining open to growth and imperfection means striving for excellence without sacrificing joy or authenticity. In relationships, it means allowing others to be human while still honoring what is non-negotiable for you. Having high standards is a reflection of knowing your worth. And the goal should be not to lower them but to make sure they come from the place of love, and not fear. To stay in balance, honor your standards and make sure they help you grow, connect, and feel at peace. Remember the best relationships and the most fulfilling lives are built not on perfection, but on mutual growth, respect, and authenticity.
–Natalie Candela, PhD is a certified hypnotherapist and transformation coach
